After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You are the jesus of drinking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
