it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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