He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
