We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
