we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
