I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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