someone get that fucking seahorse.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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