Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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