I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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