i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
