I cockslap morals
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
