I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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