He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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