Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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