Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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