my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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