Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
try to milk me bitch
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
