I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
