I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
