I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
