Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
