I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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