This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
