I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
