i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
