my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
