I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
