"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
