I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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