literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
