New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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