Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
