tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
