his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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