Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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