I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
