Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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