Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
