I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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