Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I puked a lego.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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