Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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