I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
