the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
