we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
