News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
