i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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