My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
