Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
