his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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