Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
