She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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