i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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