So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
